Stop Looking Out the Vindow, Drrrraco!
by thedarklord
Summary: I said STOP LOOKING! Stop looking, I say!
1. The Krummy Nightmare

Dim-witted Disclaimer: No, I don't own anybody from Harry Potter. Rowling does.  
  
-----  
  
Draco Malfoy stared idly out of the car window. His father, Lucius Malfoy, was in the driver's seat, turning the steering wheel, muttering something about old Dumbly'dorr.  
  
"Are you listening to me, Drrrrraco? Drrrrrraco? Stop looking out the vindow, Drrrrrraco!"  
  
Draco jerked away from the window, as if snapping out of a trance. "Oh. Sorry, Father."  
  
Wait a minute, he thought. What am I doing in a Muggle object? And with Father in the driver's seat? And since when did Father start rolling his tongue?  
  
Lucius Malfoy turned around and snapped, "I said, stop looking out of the vindow!"  
  
Draco gasped when he saw, instead of his father's face, a surly- looking, scowling face. "Viktor Krum!"  
  
"Voops. Darn," snarled Viktor Krum. "Shut up!"  
  
"Vat.I mean, what have you done to Father!!??"  
  
"Shut up! I ahm kidnapping you, I ahm!"  
  
"Oh no you're not!!!"  
  
"Oh yeah?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Oh yeah???"  
  
"Yeah!!!"  
  
"Oh YEAH?????"  
  
"YEAH!!!!!!"  
  
The car screeched to a stop and Viktor Krum put his hands around Draco's throat.  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!" he roared, strangling him to death. And the last vords, I mean, words Draco heard just before he died were.  
  
"Voops, I think I killed him."  
  
~*~  
  
Draco Malfoy stared idly out of the car window. His father, Lucius Malfoy, was in the driver's seat, turning the steering wheel, muttering something about dumbly old Dumbly'dorr.  
  
"Wha-at??? I feel a sense of déjà vu."  
  
"Stop looking out the vindow, Drrrraco."  
  
Draco had a look of bewilderment on his face. "Don't tell me you're Viktor Krum!"  
  
"As a matter of fact, I ahm!" Viktor declared, swivelling round to face Draco. "Kidnapping you, I ahm!!" he continued, a mixed look of pride and triumph on his face.  
  
"But.you killed me!" Draco said, turning paler than he already was.  
  
"Vat? I did?" Viktor frowned, and Draco was reminded faintly of the look Goyle had on his face whenever he tried to think.  
  
"Yes!" Draco snapped. "Now I have the right to sue you. My father'll have a fit!"  
"Oh reelly? Vell, you can't sue me if you're dead!"  
  
"Oh yeah? I. uh.HEY WATCH OUT~~~~!!!!"  
  
"Huh?" Viktor whirled around wildly and saw where the car was heading towards: the lake.  
  
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"  
  
~*~  
  
Draco Malfoy stared idly out of the car window. His father, Lucius Malfoy, was in the driver's seat, turning the steering wheel, muttering something about old Dumbly'dorr.  
  
"WHA-AT???" Draco sat bolt upright in his seat. He felt his clothes-they were still damp from their plunge in the lake.  
  
"Stop looking out the vindow, Drrrrraco!"  
  
"Whoa!!! What's going on?? Stop this man, Krum!!!"  
  
"Vat? You called me Krum?" The driver spun around to face Draco.  
  
"GOD!!! McGonagall!!!" Draco jumped in his seat. "What are you doing here??? Wait'll my father hears about this!!!!" He fiddled with the seat belt and tried to undo it, but to no avail.  
  
"Muahhaaaahaaa!! It's no use Malfoy, I've charmed it so you can't get out!!!! Muaahhaaaahaaa!!!!"  
  
This must be a dream! thought Draco. I have to wake up soon or I'll go bonkers!!!!  
  
"Lemme go!!! My father'll have a fit if he hears about this!!!!"  
  
"Oh yeah???" There was an evil glint in McGonagall's eye behind her thick glasses. "You'll have to finish these practice papers first!!!!!" With a wave of McGonagall's wand, a thousand practice papers dropped into Draco's lap.  
  
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I'm TELLING!!!!!!" Desperately, Draco fumbled with the door handle, and flung himself out with all the strength he could muster. He fell onto the hard road and saw an ambulance coming straight at him.  
  
"Uh-oh."  
  
~*~  
  
Draco Malfoy stared idly out of the car window. His father, Lucius Malfoy, was in the driver's seat, turning the steering wheel, muttering something about old Dumbly'dorr.  
  
"I've about had it!" said Draco, folding his arms and looking sulky and bad- tempered i.e. his usual self.  
  
I think I've got it. thought Draco. I must stop Father/Krum/McGonagall from saying, "stop looking out the vindow, Drrrraco."  
  
"Stop looking out the vindow, Drrraco!" came a cold, drawling voice from the driver's seat. Draco swore under his breath.  
  
Maybe if I close my eyes, I'll get away from this horrible nightmare, thought Draco, squeezing his eyes shut. He still heard his father's voice.  
  
"Vat do you think you're doing, Drrrrraco?"  
  
Draco opened his eyes slowly. "AAARRRGGGHHH!!!"  
  
Pansy Parkinson was in the driver's seat, grinning all over her pug-like face at him. "Hi, Dwaky!"  
  
"NOOOO! This can't be happening!" screamed Draco, covering his face with his hands. He tried to escape, but a hairy hand grabbed his arm before he could open the car door. Draco froze.  
  
"Oh no yeh don'!" snarled Hagrid. "Yeh aren' goin' nowhere!"  
  
"Let go of me, you moronic oaf! You. you half-blood! You freak!"  
  
"That's right, Hagrid, don't let my Dwaky go," Pansy said. Then she threw back her head and shrieked with high-pitched, evil laughter. Hagrid joined in with a low, gruff roar of laughter, his hand still gripping tightly onto Draco's arm.  
  
"LET ME GO! LET ME GO!" Draco hollered, but his yells were drowned in the evil laughter.  
  
~*~  
  
Draco Malfoy stared idly out of the car window. His father, Lucius Malfoy, was in the driver's seat, turning the steering wheel, muttering something about old Dumbly'dorr.  
  
Draco didn't waste a single second. He leapt up immediately and clapped his hands to the Viktor Krum's mouth. Viktor was taken aback and pried Draco's hands off. He yelled, "VAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING????"  
  
"Yesssss! I broke the curse! I finally broke it!" Draco punched the air in triumph. His victory didn't last for long. There was a loud crunch as the car crashed into the back of a lorry and Draco was flung out of the car and onto the road. Everything went black.  
  
~*~ 


	2. Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome

"OOOOOWWWWWWWW-SSSSSSS!!!!" Draco woke with a loud, crunching sound on his back. He tried to get up, but he couldn't. He turned his head and yelled in surprise at the sight of a Crabbe/Goyle-sized foot. "GET OFF ME, GOYLE! OR CRABBE! WHICHEVER ONE OF YOU TWO FATSOS!"  
  
"Duh - hookay!" said Goyle's dull voice as he got up. Draco heaved a sigh of relief.  
  
"What are you doing here? Where's Crabbe?" demanded Draco.  
  
"Uh - duh-yup!"  
  
"Never mind. I don't feel very well. I'm aching all over, thanks to you. And that horrifying nightmare," he said with a collective shudder. "Viktor Krum's really ugly."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Suddenly, the door flung open and Pansy pranced in, pigtails bouncing and she did a little pirouette before coming to a stop at Draco's bedside. Draco resisted the temptation of dropping off back to sleep and facing Viktor Krum again.  
  
"Hi, Dwaky, I made you bweakfast," Pansy said, plunking a tray of beastly- looking grey stuff in front of Dwa - Draco.  
  
"Uh - thanks, but no thanks," Draco said, eyeing the grey stuff with disgust. "Isn't there breakfast downstairs?"  
  
"What's wrong, Dwaky? You look weally sick!" she gasped, ignoring his last comment. "I'll go get Madam Pomfwey!"  
  
"Pansy, WAIT!" Draco yelled, but she had already disappeared through the door.  
  
"Duh - yup!" Goyle said and left.  
  
~*~  
  
Madam Pomfrey walked into the room, looking rather reluctant. Pansy followed close behind.  
  
"Look, Madam Pomfwey! Doesn't he look pale?" she said, stabbing a stubby finger in Draco's direction.  
  
Suddenly, there was a loud crash as Hagrid came thundering through the wall into the room, apparently unaware of the existence of a door. Madam Pomfrey was left staring at the Hagrid-shaped hole left in the wall. Pansy's mouth dropped open and her finger was still in the air.  
  
Hagrid laughed heartily, facing Draco. "All righ' Harry?" His beard shook violently as he chuckled at his own unfunny joke. "Yeh aren' sick, are yeh?"  
  
"No, I aren'. Yeh the one who's sick," Draco frowned. "And I'm not Harry," he added with an afterthought.  
  
Hagrid looked crestfallen. "Yeh not?"  
  
"Er.no."  
  
"Oops." There was another loud crash as Hagrid ran smack into the wall to create a second hole next to the first one and exited.  
  
"Stick out your tongue," Madam Pomfrey said stiffly, as if there was no break in the conversation.  
  
"Um. Excuse me?" Draco said, looking bewildered.  
  
"She said, stick out your tongue, Dwako," Pansy said, prying his mouth open. Draco stuck out his tongue feebly.  
  
~*~  
  
Madam Pomfrey gasped, "YOU. HAVE. SARS."  
  
"Mars? What mars? You mean, Mars Bars?" Draco said.  
  
"SARS," Madam Pomfrey repeated, sounding exasperated.  
  
"Oh. SARS?! What's that? My father will have a fit!"  
  
"Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome," Madam Pomfrey said, consulting her clipboard. She moved five paces backwards and put on a facemask. "It's contagious. Take a facemask too, Parkinson."  
  
Pansy looked shocked. "Oh~~no!!! What happened to poor Dwaky? Is he going to die?"  
  
"Uh.Dwaky?" Madam Pomfrey looked nonplussed.  
  
"That," Draco snapped, "is not the point. Well, what are you waiting for? Cure me!"  
  
"There's no cure," Madam Pomfrey said, frowning at her clipboard, which was a centimetre away from her nose.  
  
"You need glasses," Draco said.  
  
"As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted," she cut in, fixing him in a steely glare, "There's no cure for SARS. Not at the current moment, anyhow. Stay in bed and drink lots of juice."  
  
"Shut up. You're not a doctor."  
  
"Rude, aren't you?" Madam P. said, frowning. "Ten points from Slytherin, and detention. Meet Argus Filch at the Forbidden Forest on Friday, 5 p.m."  
  
"Didn't know nurses could take points," Draco said scornfully.  
  
"Just practicing," Madam P. said. "I heard Minerva saying it to random students when she's feeling bored. It does give you a lot of satisfaction."  
  
"Oh, Madam Pomfwey, what should I do to help him?" Pansy said.  
  
Suddenly, Draco hiccupped and a small slug slid out of his mouth. And another. And two more.  
  
"Gee," Pansy said. "That looks really familiar."  
  
"Of course it does," Madam Pomfrey said, looking triumphant. "That's what he did to Ron in the second year, remember? Doesn't feel too good, does it? Getting a taste of your own medicine?"  
  
"I didn't do that to him!" protested Draco. "He did it on himself! It's his own fault he couldn't even afford a new wand.probably had to sell half his house for that broken one."  
  
"Tough."  
  
~*~  
  
Crabbe and Goyle had refused to hang around holding up buckets for Draco, so Pansy was given the honour of doing that. Draco wasn't too pleased.  
  
"Please go away," he said miserably.  
  
"No, Dwaky, I have to stay and look after you," Pansy said, stepping in and out of the room through the hole Hagrid created to fetch empty buckets.  
  
Draco groaned and smacked his forehead. As he did that a slug slithered out.  
  
~*~  
  
Suddenly, the door was pushed open. Hermione Granger strode in, wearing a facemask and holding an empty glass in her hand and Moste Potente Potions and a clipboard under her arm.  
  
"ARGH! Mudblood breath!" Draco exclaimed, holding his nose. Pansy sprayed the air with an air freshener.  
  
"In case you hadn't noticed," Granger said coldly, "I'm here to help you. I read about this potion.it's really effective.more effective than the normal cure for slug-belching."  
  
"Why are you helping me?" Draco said suspiciously.  
  
Granger rolled her eyes. "I'm only doing this for the benefit of my N.E.W.T.S. You know, it's good to have some hands-on experience, especially for Potions."  
  
"How did you know about Dwaky's illness?" demanded Pansy.  
  
"The whole school knows it! Dumbledore is handing out forms to find out who has been in contact with you for the past ten days. Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be going backwards!"  
  
"Hey! That's my line!" Draco snapped.  
  
"I know. I read it in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets," Granger informed them.  
  
"A book dedicated to Potty? Yuck! Wait till my father hears about that!"  
  
~*~  
  
A few moments passed as Granger busied herself with making a potion called Troll Snot Potion.  
  
"Doesn't sound too pleasant, does it?" Draco said, feeling sick to his stomach. "Do I really have to drink it?"  
  
"Be quiet, Malfoy," snapped Granger. "Ah, I think it's done."  
  
She handed him a glass filled to the brim with Troll Snot Potion. Draco grimaced and took the glass without touching Granger's filthy hand. "Ugh. Mudblood filth," he said anyway.  
  
"Drink it!" ordered Granger.  
  
"How do we know you're not trying to poison poor Dwaky?" Pansy sniffed.  
  
Granger looked outraged. "Drink it, if you want to get well! I'm not forcing you!" With that, she stormed out of the room. A few seconds later, she returned.  
  
"I want to watch the results, you see," she explained.  
  
Draco looked reluctantly at the potion. He gulped it down and turned the same colour as the potion -dark shit green.  
  
Then his eyes rolled up to the back of his head, and he fainted.  
  
~*~  
  
"You.you were twying to poison Dwaco!" Pansy Parkinson pointed an accusing finger at Hermione.  
  
"No, I wasn't! Honest!" Hermione said, shaking her head.  
  
"Yeah, right!" spat Parkinson. She started sobbing, "Oh, Dwaky-kins! Don't leave me!"  
  
"Ugh." Hermione shuddered. "So I guess the Troll Snot Potion failed." She scribbled something on the clipboard she was holding.  
  
Just then, Harry and Ron entered the room. "Hermione! What are you doing in Malfoy's room?" Ron demanded.  
  
"Oh, you know, experimenting on him," Hermione replied.  
  
"What, you mean the Troll Snot Potion? We just read in Leaste Potente Potions that it only worsens the condition of the patient!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"Whoops," Hermione muttered. "But at least it isn't that serious.is it?"  
  
Suddenly, Parkinson's shrieks split the air. "HE'S DEAD!!!"  
  
"Wha-?" Hermione rushed and put a finger under Malfoy's nose. He wasn't breathing. Not much, anyway.  
  
"ARGH! I'm in deep trouble! We have to get Madam Pomfrey!" she yelled.  
  
"Why? Can't we just sit around and watch Malfoy die?" Ron said. "Then we can throw a party."  
  
"No, we can't!" Hermione snapped. "If he dies, I'm a murderer!"  
  
"Oh, yeah," Ron muttered, looking disappointed.  
  
Just then, Parkinson left the room with Malfoy on her back. She was saying between sobs, "I'll find a place to bury you, Dwaky!"  
  
Hermione and co. looked at each other and gasped, "Bury?"  
  
"He isn't dead, is he?" Harry said, frowning.  
  
"He was still breathing a little," Hermione said nervously.  
  
"THAT MEANS HE'LL BE BURIED ALIVE!!!" Ron exclaimed. "Bloody brilliant! And by his own girlfriend, too!"  
  
"We can't let that happen, we're heroines!" Hermione said.  
  
"I mean, heroes and heroine," she quickly added when Harry and Ron gave her fierce looks.  
  
So, Hermione and co. bolted out the door.  
  
~*~ 


	3. Ron Is Ron Stoppable

Thanks to all my reviewers! The mystery about Viktor Krum will eventually be solved...read on...  
  
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"Stop Looking Out the Vindow, Drrrraco!"  
  
Chapter Three  
  
Hermione and co. ran after Pansy Parkinson, who was carrying Draco Malfoy on her back.  
  
"Stop, Pansy!" Ron shouted breathlessly.  
  
"Wait a minute...did you just call her Pansy?" Harry stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face Ron.  
  
"Yeah," Ron said, shrugging. "No big."  
  
"You...you must fancy her!" Harry cried, pointing a trembling finger at him. "You fancy Pansy!"  
  
"Fancy Pansy?" Ron said, turning pale. "I'd rather fancy Peeves!"  
  
"Well, hurry up then, you two!" Hermione said. "Malfoy's going to be buried alive if we're too late!"  
  
"What, do you fancy him?" snapped Harry, acting unreasonable i.e. his usual self.  
  
"Ignore him, Herms," Ron said.  
  
"Herms?" Hermione said, shocked.  
  
"Urp. I mean, Hermione."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
Ron and Hermione ran off, leaving a fuming Harry by himself.  
  
~*~  
  
Pansy ran, crying her eyes out, to a cemetery near Hogwarts. She dropped Draco onto the ground and started digging a hole while muttering to herself, "Poor, poor, Dwaco..."  
  
Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione were hiding behind a tree, watching.  
  
"Hmm...how are we going to distract Pansy?" Hermione pondered. Then she noticed that Ron was fiddling with a Muggle item called the microorganism. Or was it the microbe?  
  
"It's the microphane," Ron corrected her.  
  
"Ron, what in the world do you think you are doing?" demanded Hermione, looking puzzled.  
  
"You'll see," Ron said.  
  
He stepped out from behind the tree and cleared his throat. Pansy stopped digging and looked up. Suddenly, Ron broke into a song. Ironically, the song was about singing a song.  
  
Sing. Sing a song  
Sing out loud  
Sing out strong  
  
Don't worry if you're not good enough  
For everyone else to hear  
Just sing.  
Sing a song.  
  
La la la la la  
  
La la la la la la  
La la la la la la laaaaa.  
  
Hermione was flabbergasted. Parkinson, however, was grinning and singing along. The plan worked, thought Ron, giving Hermione a triumphant look. Several other girls started surrounding Ron and clapping and cheering. Ron seemed pleased with all the attention.  
  
It took a while for Hermione to recover from the shock of seeing Ron sing. She ran over to Malfoy and shook him vigorously. "Wake up! Wake up, you ferret!"  
  
Malfoy opened his eyes and blinked. "Where am I?" he murmured. Then he realized where he was. "ARGH! DON'T TOUCH ME, STUPID MUDBLOOD!"  
  
"Shut up already! Look, if you don't want to be buried alive by Parkinson, then hurry up and escape!"  
  
"Pansy was trying to bury me?" Malfoy said, temporarily stunned.  
  
"Yes! Now scram!" Hermione barked.  
  
~*~  
  
Draco tried to run, but his legs seemed to have turned to Wood.  
  
"Oh, har de har," Wood said sourly. Then he left.  
  
"I can't move," Draco muttered.  
  
Granger looked furious. "What, you expect me to carry you like Pansy did?"  
  
"Why? How did Pansy carry me?"  
  
"That," she snapped, "is not the point." She disappeared for a while and returned with a wheelchair.  
  
"Muggle stuff!" Draco screamed.  
  
"Shut UP!" Granger said and pushed him into the wheelchair. Before he knew it, Draco was wheeled off to his dormitory faster than you can say "Stop looking out the vindow!"  
  
"Speaking of vindows," Draco told Granger, while he was still being wheeled around, "Did Krum do anything strange lately? You know, driving around in Muggle objects."  
  
Granger gave him a strange look. "No. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Oh...nothing," breathed Draco with a faraway look in his eyes.  
  
When they reached Malfoy's dormitory, Hermione could still hear Ron's singing in the background. "I must go out and stop him before he gets too carried away," she muttered to herself.  
  
She turned to face Malfoy. "Stay here and don't go anywhere. Remember, you have SARS," she reminded him.  
  
"SARS? Oh yeah, SARS," muttered Draco. He drifted off to sleep on the wheelchair.  
  
~*~  
  
Hermione walked briskly into the Great Hall. And almost had a heart attack. Ron was on stage, wearing flashy clothes and sporting a wacky hairstyle and singing a rap version of the Tao Nan School song.  
  
"Merlin's Beard, he did get carried away," Hermione said in distress. And so did many others, she thought, staring at the colossal mass of screaming fans, waving signs that said "Ron is Ron Stoppable!" and "WE LUUURVE YOU RON!!!" and "Weasley is Our Disco King!"  
  
"Disco King?" Hermione said, feeling faint. She looked up and saw a gargantuan disco ball spinning around in mid-air. "He's turned the Great Hall into a disco!"  
  
She noticed, with growing horror, that Harry was among the fans. Harry, of all people! And *gasp* Mcgonagall! She looked as if she was letting down her hair for once. And Dumbledore was grooving to the beat, chilling out and feeling mellow. Hagrid was there, too, dancing with Madame Maxime. When did she get there, anyhow?  
  
Suddenly, when Ron was about to finish the second verse of the T.N.S song, his voice broke. Or rather, his Voice Enhancer Charm, which he was using all along to mask his real voice, broke.  
  
Which meant he went horribly out of tune, and the microphone made this ear- splitting screech.  
  
One by one, all the Ron fanatics fell silent. Ron laughed nervously. "Err...hahaha! Hahahahurhaha! Guess I'd better be off now!" He escaped from the stage at top speed.  
  
But not before a million moldy eggs hit him in the face.  
  
Hermione was waiting for him backstage. "Come on, Ron," she said, dragging him away from the Great Hall to avoid angry cries and jeers and more rotten eggs, "Snap out of your fantasy world. We have a life to save!"  
  
"We do?" Ron asked.  
  
"Yes. Malfoy! Look, I read in this book that drinking the 3-in-one Potion can cure..."  
  
"Is that what it's called? 3-in-one Potion? Gee, that's pretty weird."  
  
"No, it isn't," Hermione said impatiently. "Where's Harry, anyway?"  
  
Harry appeared, still holding a "Ron is Ron Stoppable" sign. "Howdy, folks!" he said brightly.  
  
"Seemed to have forgotten our little disagreement, have we?" Hermione said coldly.  
  
"What are you talking about, Mione?" Ron asked.  
  
"Never mind. Okay, we have to make this 3-in-one Potion. It requires - a redhead's hair..." she looked at Ron.  
  
"A scarhead's toenails..." she looked at Harry.  
  
"And a Mudblood's teeth. Wait a minute...teeth?" Hermione squinted at the book, as if she had read wrongly.  
  
"Don't worry, Mione, I'll just punch you gently," Ron said, sharpening his knuckles on a grindstone.  
  
"Er...I appreciate your good intentions, Ron, but I can remove my teeth by myself, thank you very much," Hermione said. She took out her wand and put a hex on herself, causing her two front teeth to turn to jelly and drop into an empty glass which she was holding. Almost immediately, new teeth grew to replace the old ones, so Hermione didn't know what the use of that hex was. But back to the point.  
  
Harry and Ron dropped their hair and toenails into the glass. It sizzled like a sausage and turned the colour of Ron's hair.  
  
"So...if Malfoy drinks this, he'll be cured of SARS?" Ron asked.  
  
Hermione nodded. Ron had a sudden vision of her wearing lime-green robes and walking briskly around in St. Mungo's.  
  
~*~  
  
"Stupid Won," Pansy sulked, sitting in a squashy armchair in the Slytherin common room. "I weally thought he was a great singer. It was all a fwaud!"  
  
"Duh - hyeah," agreed Crabbe.  
  
"Anyway, what was I doing before Won started singing? I can't wemember," murmured Pansy.  
  
Crabbe looked nonplussed.  
  
"Oh yeah! I was...I was burying poor Dwaco!" Pansy stood up. "Dwaco's dead!"  
  
"What?!" cried Crabbe, standing up as well. "D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- d-d-d-dead?"  
  
"Yes, and it's all that cursed Mudblood's fault," Pansy snarled, looking ready to kill. "I'm gonna get her..."  
  
-----  
  
READ???? REVIEW!!!! 


	4. The Memory Loss of Big D

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN KIM POSSIBLE!!! (I know this isn't a KP fanfic, but I did mention KP)  
  
"Stop Looking Out the Vindow, Drrrraco!"  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Draco lifted his heavy eyelids with difficulty. He blinked and looked around. He realised he was sitting down in a leather seat and he was moving. Then he saw that in front of him, there was another leather seat and there was someone sitting in it.  
  
"Where is this place?" murmured Draco, squinting at the person in front of him.  
  
"Vhy, my car, of course!" the person replied without turning around.  
  
"Oh. Right." Draco stared idly out of the car window.  
  
"Hey! Stop looking out the vindow, Drrrrraco!"  
  
Draco snapped out of his sleepy stupor. A surly-looking face was scowling at him. A really familiar face. Now, where have I seen that before? Draco thought. Suddenly, he knew.  
  
"AIEEEEE!!!! VIKTOR KRUM!!!!!"  
  
"Yes I'm Viktor Krum. Now STOP LOOKING OUT THE VINDOW!"  
  
"Okay, okay!" Draco snapped. "Oh bummer, now I have to stop Krum from talking about vindows again. This is insane."  
  
All of a sudden, another person appeared in the seat next to him.  
  
"Twitchy little ferret, aren't you?" sneered Hermione Granger. Draco flinched as if she hit him. He did not like to be reminded of the emotional scar Moody had left on him. Or at least, the fake Moody.  
  
"Get lost, Mudblood! You have no right to appear in my dreams, even if it is supposed to be a nightmare that I've met you. Clear off!" Draco snarled.  
  
"Manners, Malfoy, manners!" Granger chided. "You wouldn't want to upset your father, now, would you?"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Malfoy, shut up! Vat are you doing here, Hermy-own-ninny? I'm kidnapping that Malfoy. You're not involved in this!" Krum said.  
  
"Well, I'm here to stop you from kidnapping Malfoy!" Granger retorted. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Viktor."  
  
"Attagirl, Granger! Show him who's boss!" Draco exclaimed. Then he realised his grave mistake. "AACK! I cheered for a Mudblood! AACK!!!"  
  
But everything seems to have gone strange today, he thought. When Granger heard I got SARS, she actually helped me by making that beastly potion. Although I don't think it worked. I think I fainted! Maybe Granger was trying to poison me, like Pansy kept saying. If that's the truth, then how come Granger helped me again? She put me in this funny wheely thingy and steered me back to my dormitory. I must have fallen asleep, since I'm dreaming now. Life's rather confusing, if you stop to think about it.  
  
They say that dreams are the opposite of reality. But this Granger seems to be helping me like she had helped me when I was awake. So is this dream the opposite of the opposite of reality, i.e. reality? Should I trust Granger?  
  
"GAH! Brain overload!" Draco fainted dead away, foaming at the mouth.  
  
~*~  
  
"Duh - Draco? Are you in there?" Crabbe and Goyle bounded into the room and stood, grinning stupidly.  
  
There was no response.  
  
"Draco?" Goyle said again, frowning slightly. He sensed something was wrong, which was quite a feat for someone as un-brainy as un-brainy gets as him. Crabbe, however, continued grinning idiotically as if nothing was happening.  
  
Goyle nudged him. "D'you think something happened to Draco?"  
  
"Nuh-uh," Crabbe said, trying to dismiss the thought, but it never even entered his mind in the first place, so he couldn't dismiss it, so he ended up looking a bit lost instead.  
  
"Then what's that?" Goyle inquired, pointing to the figure lying on the floor. Crabbe looked. The figure had a silver-blonde head that shone like a newly polished helmet. Crabbe and Goyle looked at the figure, then at each other, then back at the figure.  
  
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~*~  
  
"What's the big commotion?" snapped Snape, bursting into the room, followed by several other Slytherins.  
  
"D-draco's d-dead! Wait a minute - again?" Crabbe said, frowning.  
  
"Wot? Don't talk rot, Crabbe," scoffed Blaise Zabini.  
  
Snape put his finger under Draco's nose. "He's still breathing. Escort him to the hospital wing, Zabini."  
  
"I'll go, Pwofessor Snape," said Pansy, waving her arm in the air. She tripped over her own feet in her haste to help Draco up.  
  
"Okay," said Blaise Zabini, ignoring her. "Wingardium Leviosa!" Draco floated ten inches off the ground and drifted after Blaise out of the room. Pansy ran after them.  
  
~*~  
  
Dumbledore was in a dilemma. The student, Draco Malfoy, was still unconscious with SARS. If they did not do anything about it soon, there might be more cases of SARS breaking out in Hogwarts. Like Madam Pomfrey said, it was contagious. He might have to send Malfoy to the Intensive Care Unit in St. Mungo's.  
  
Just then, there was a knock on the door. Harry and co. stepped into the room, holding cups of ghastly-looking potions.  
  
"Hey, Big D! How's it going?" said Harry, giving Dumbledore a high five.  
  
"Fine, ol' Potty boy!" Dumbledore said. "What's that beastly potion you're holding? A cure for SARS? Har de har!"  
  
"Uh...it is a cure for SARS, Headmaster," Hermione said, looking a bit taken aback by Harry's casual behaviour.  
  
"Oh. I see. WHAT?! You mean you discovered a cure at last?" Dumbledore stood up from his seat and climbed onto the table.  
  
"Get a grip, Big D," Ron said, escorting him down. Dumbledore started hyperventilating.  
  
"Bend over! Breathe into a plastic bag!" Hermione shouted, waving her arms like a windmill. Dumbledore ignored her and whipped out an inhaler from the inside of his robes. He took in a large, shuddering gulp of air as if he was imitating a whale. All the time Harry, Ron and Hermione watched him curiously.  
  
Finally Dumbledore was breathing normally again. "Okay. You say you found a cure for SARS, Harry?"  
  
"That's right, Big D. Cool, huh?"  
  
"Actually," Hermione cut in, "I was the one who found it. It's the 3- in-one Potion and it can cure SARS. I think."  
  
Dumbledore looked thoughtful. "Will you pass me the potion?" he said. Ron handed him a glass of the beastly stuff. Dumbledore sniffed it. Then he froze in his seat for a few seconds...before fainting dead away.  
  
"Whoops," Ron said sheepishly. "That was the Troll Snot Potion I handed him."  
  
Hermione started running around the room and screaming like a banshee. "AIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Now look what you've done, Ronny boy! You've killed Big D and driven Herm bananas!" Harry said in anguish.  
  
And Ron was all, "Look, you're the one holding the 3-in-one Potion, so why didn't you give it to Big D just now, Potty boy?"  
  
And Harry went, "Cos you went to give your potion to Big D, Ronny boy!"  
  
"Wait a minute...where's ol' Hermy girl?"  
  
~*~  
  
"I don't want to go to Azkaban...I'm not going to Azkaban..." muttered Hermione to herself as she stuffed all her clothes and books into a gigantic suitcase. She kept shaking her head and sweeping Lavender Brown's belongings off the table and onto the floor. She tore down the stairs, dragging her heavy luggage with her.  
  
"I don't want to go to Azkaban...EEEEUUUURRYYYGGGGHHH!!!!" Hermione let out a shriek when Parvati suddenly showed up in front of her.  
  
"Hey! What's going on, Hermione? Are you sick or something?" said Parvati, watching Hermione closely.  
  
"No...I'm fine!" Hermione blubbered. "Yes, I'm quite fine indeed, very, very fine. At least I think I'm fine."  
  
Parvati's eyes widened and she started to back away. Then she ran up the stairs screaming. Hermione continued her way down the stairs, dragging her suitcase. Then she walked through Professor Binns, feeling as if she was taking a cold shower. Just as she was looking back and about to apologize, she stepped through Nearly Headless Nick.  
  
"Where are you going, Miss Granger?" he asked, drifted around and looking kind of sad.  
  
"I...I have to escape," Hermione whispered, eyes darting around. "I've killed the Headmaster!"  
  
Nearly Headless Nick frowned. "The Headmaster is now in the hospital wing, Miss Granger. He's well and fine. Just fell into unconsciousness after sniffing some Troll Snot Potion."  
  
"Oh. HUH?! Are you serious? I'm not a murderer?" Hermione said, dropping her luggage with a thud. "I'M NOT A MURDERER! HALLELUJAH! Bless you, NHN!" She cried, doing cartwheels around the school.  
  
Then she rushed to the hospital wing. Dumbledore was reading The Quibbler (Luna would be pleased) in the hospital bed and humming Weasley is our King under his breath. He looked up and peered at Hermione through his half-moon glasses. They stared at each other.  
  
"Em...do I know you?" Dumbledore uttered at last. Hermione gasped. He's lost his memory?!?!?!?  
  
"Excuse me," said a voice. Hermione turned and saw Draco Malfoy in another bed, staring transfixed at a tiny television set, which was floating in mid-air. The television was playing a distorted chorus of the Kim Possible theme song.  
  
"Will you kindly pass the bowl of peeled grapes?" Malfoy drawled. "It's just over there, on the table. See that bowl? You know, B-O-W-L? B...o...w...l? It's sort of round, and - "  
  
"KIM POSSIBLE???" Hermione said, also staring at the television screen. "YOU WATCH KIM POSSIBLE???"  
  
"Yeah, I do," Malfoy said. "Why? Got a problem with that? Huh? What's wrong, Mudblood? Ever heard of entertainment? Hmm?"  
  
"No," Hermione said, shaking her head. "It's just...I WATCH KIM POSSIBLE TOO!!! Isn't she the coolest?"  
  
"So not," Malfoy said, rolling his eyes. "I think Ron Stoppable is so much cooler."  
  
"You feel like you can relate to him?" Hermione said slyly.  
  
"Yeah. Wait a minute - are you saying I'm a loser?" Malfoy demanded.  
  
"Oh, no, of course not. Why would I do that?"  
  
"Why do I have a feeling I'm being mocked?"  
  
"Silencio!" Dumbledore said suddenly. Hermione and Malfoy fell silent. Even Kim Possible fell silent and stared at him. Of course, he didn't have a wand, so the charm didn't work.  
  
"Headmaster? Headmaster? Do you remember me?" Hermione asked, flapping a hand in front of his face.  
  
Dumbledore gazed at her with his luminous blue eyes. He said, sadly, "No. I do not. Am I really the Headmaster? I can't remember anything."  
  
Malfoy snorted. "He's not fit to be the Headmaster. He has never been. My father says Dumbledore's the worst thing that happened to Hogwarts."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, your father this, your father that, yadda yadda yadda," Hermione said scornfully. But he was right - Dumbledore couldn't be the Headmaster anymore. And it was all her fault.  
  
Well, Ron's fault, actually. But still, she should have told him not to complicate things by bringing the Troll Snot Potion along. Darn that TSP - it landed her in trouble twice!  
  
Just then, the door opened and Professors McGonagall, Snape, Sprout and Flitwick strode in, looking dead serious. Hermione gulped. Malfoy's eyes were glued to the TV screen.  
  
It was Professor McGonagall who first started talking. "Granger, I'm glad you're here. Come here, and we will have a little chat," she said sternly. Hermione realised Harry and Ron were standing behind Prof. McGonagall.  
  
"Ooh, Kim Possible is on!" Professor Sprout said, looking excited. The other professors glared at her and she clammed up, looking solemn again.  
  
Herm and co. sat down on a hospital bed while the professors sat on another. "Well," Prof. McGonagall continued, "Professor Dumbledore has lost his memory, which I'm sure you're aware of, Granger."  
  
Hermione sighed and nodded. "WOT?!" Harry and Ron uttered simultaneously, looking absolutely flabbergasted.  
  
"Yes," Prof. Snape said somberly. "The Headmaster has lost his memory, and it's all thanks to your...so-called cure for SARS."  
  
"I beg to differ," Ron said. "The cure for SARS is the 3-in-one Potion. I gave Big...the Headmaster the Troll Snot Potion. By mistake, of course," he added quickly.  
  
Snape raised a greasy eyebrow. "Oh? We'll see about that...Here!" he said triumphantly, brandishing a glass of the potion Ron gave to Dumbledore. It was hissing like a kettle.  
  
"Only the Deadly Potion hisses in contact with olive oil! You've given the Headmaster the Deadly Potion! Luckily, the Headmaster had only sniffed it, otherwise..."  
  
"Ahem." All heads turned to look at Malfoy, who was busy eating peeled grapes and watching TV. He pried his eyes away from the TV screen and looked at Snape. "I drank that potion."  
  
"No you didn't!" snapped Snape.  
  
Herm and co. sniggered.  
  
"Yes I did!" Malfoy snapped back.  
  
"Yeah, and I can prove it!" said Hermione, standing up. Snape glared at her.  
  
"Oh yeah? How?"  
  
Hermione looked smug. "Don't believe me? Watch the VCR." Suddenly, the TV started playing a video of what happened that day...  
  
-----  
  
READ??? REVIEW!!!  
  
Geez! That must be the longest chapter I've ever written so far! A total of 2,052 words!  
  
O_o  
  
o_O 


	5. The New Headmistress

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon either!!!  
  
"Stop Looking Out the Vindow, Drrrraco!"  
  
Chapter Five  
  
"Hey! I was watching that!" Malfoy snapped when Prof. Snape zapped off Kim Possible.  
  
"Shh! It's starting!" said Sprout in a hushed voice. "This is so exciting! Teehee!"  
  
"Sheesh," muttered Snape. Everyone watched the TV intently.  
  
~*~  
  
"Drink it!" ordered the Hermione on the VCR.  
  
"How do we know you're not trying to poison poor Dwaky?" Pansy sniffed.  
  
Hermione looked outraged. The real Hermione winced, muttering, "I look ugly."  
  
"Silencio!" said everyone else in the room. Hermione was silenced, and everyone looked back at the TV.  
  
"Drink it, if you want to get well! I'm not forcing you!" With that, VCR Hermione stormed out of the room. A few seconds later, she returned.  
  
"I want to watch the results, you see," she explained.  
  
VCR Malfoy looked reluctantly at the potion. He gulped it down and turned the same colour as the potion -dark shit green.  
  
Then his eyes rolled up to the back of his head, and he fainted. The real Malfoy grimaced and smacked his forehead in utter disgust.  
  
~*~  
  
"See? See? He was drinking the very same potion you're holding right now," Hermione told Snape. "But he's still alive. That proves we didn't give the Headmaster the Deadly Potion."  
  
Snape curled his lip. "Hrrrmph," he said and left in a huff.  
  
"So," Flitwick said brightly, "Harry and co. weren't trying to murder the Headmaster after all!"  
  
"Big whoop," Malfoy muttered. "Can I switch back to Kids Central now?"  
  
"NO!!!" McGonagall barked into his ear. "How can you think of cartoons at a time like this?"  
  
"At a time like wot?!" Malfoy barked right back.  
  
McGonagall turned blue in the face. "A time like THIS!!!!!!" she exploded. Then she started pacing the floor, muttering to herself. "The Headmaster is now suffering from amnesia, but we can't possibly find a substitute Headmaster in such a short notice."  
  
"Yes, we can," said Flitwick brightly. Again. "In fact, we've already found one."  
  
BANG!!!  
  
Everyone swiveled around, shocked at the sudden noise. Hagrid had knocked down the wall of the hospital wing and bounded in. Madam Pomfrey passed out in shock. Or maybe it was because of the fact that she was responsible for any damages to the hospital wing, and that there was a portrait of her idol, Michael Jackson, on that particular wall.  
  
"Hello, lame old folks. Cake is rat clock," Hagrid recited.  
  
Malfoy raised an eyebrow. "What's this half-blood klutz doing here? And he's talking gibberish, too. How intelligent."  
  
"Don't tell me...Hagrid's the new Headmaster?" Harry said in half- shock, half-amazement.  
  
"That will be correct," Snape said.  
  
There was a stunned silence.  
  
"Wait a minute...oh, wrong script. I take that back. It's supposed to be, 'Heavens, no! What's Hagrid doing here? Get rid of him.'"  
  
Hagrid let out a loud roar of protest as Sprout and McGonagall escorted him out. Snape uttered, "Repairo," and the wall was back to normal. Madam Pomfrey let out a sigh of relief (she had regained consciousness).  
  
"Hey! You didn't wait for Professors Sprout and McGonagall to return!" Hermione said to Snape.  
  
"Oh. Well, too bad for them," Snape said, shrugging. "So who's the new Headmaster?"  
  
The door swung open, and a dark figure stood in the doorway. Just at that moment, a clap of thunder split the air and it started raining. Madam Pomfrey fainted again.  
  
"Okay, cue the spooky music," Ron said. The theme song from Kim Possible went on again.  
  
"I said SPOOKY MUSIC."  
  
This time, the Pokemon theme song went on. "Fair enough," Ron said, nodding with satisfaction.  
  
The dark figure stepped into the room, its face half in shadow. Hermione stared at it, frowning. Somehow she had seen this face...or rather, half this face...before. But where?  
  
Now the figure's face was completely out of shadow, and all of a sudden, Hermione knew where she had seen the face. And that bubble gum pink hair.  
  
"NYMPHADORA TONKS???" Snape said, his face pale (and greasy).  
  
"TONKS?!?!?!" Hermione and Ron said at the same time.  
  
"GRANDMA?!?!?!?!" exclaimed Harry. "OOOOOOOWWWWWWW-SSSSSSSSS!!!!!!" He fell to his knees, holding his head. "Scar...hurts..."  
  
"Wait a second...what did you just call me?" Tonks said, looking utterly shocked.  
  
"Tonks! I never knew you were Harry's grandma!" Flitwick said brightly. Snape glared at him and told him to stop saying things brightly when there's nothing to feel bright about.  
  
"I'm not his grandma!!!" Tonks said in protest. "Hermione, send Harry here to the hospital wing - no, wait, this is the hospital wing."  
  
"Not doing very well as the new Headmistress, are you? Flitwick, please escort Miss Tonks out," Snape said scornfully. "Anyway, I don't think grandmas are allowed to be Headmistress."  
  
"But, Professor Snape, other than Nymphadora..."  
  
"TONKS..."  
  
"Whatever...other than Tonks, we don't have any more suitable substitutes," Flitwick said not so brightly.  
  
"Oh yeah? What about...me?" Snape said, slicking back his oily hair.  
  
There was another stunned silence.  
  
"Is anyone taking notice of the fact that...HARRY IS DYING?!?!?!" Ron yelled.  
  
Flitwick squeaked and tumbled out of sight. Snape curled his lip. Tonks chewed her fake fingernails. Hermione ran to rouse Madam Pomfrey. Malfoy jumped out of bed to express amusement as Harry neared death's doorsteps.  
  
Ron ran to call an ambulance, shaking the phone cord dramatically. "Yes, it is Harry Potter I'm talking about...yes, yes, the boy who lived, blah blah blah, yeah, yeah, the famous Seeker...WILL YA JUST SHUT UP AND COME??? HARRY'S SO DELIRIOUS HE THINKS THE HEADMISTRESS IS HIS GRANDMA, OKAY???"  
  
With that, he slammed down the phone.  
  
~*~  
  
Draco had never been so delighted in his entire life. Potter, dead! What an occasion! He must follow him the hospital to mock him.  
  
Just as he was about to climb into the ambulance, the Weasel stopped him. "Get lost, Malfoy. You're not welcome," he snapped.  
  
"Who says?" Draco argued.  
  
"Look, we're wasting time," Granger said irritably. "Just let him get on, or he'll just delay us."  
  
"That's more like it," Draco said, getting into the ambulance. Weasley looked ready to kill.  
  
~*~  
  
Soon, they reached St. Mungo's. Harry was lifted out on a stretcher, while Draco, Ron and Hermione ran alongside him as he was wheeled to the emergency room.  
  
"I hope you die, Potter. DIE!!!" Draco cackled. There was another loud clap of thunder.  
  
"NO!!! You mustn't die, Harry, you mustn't!" Hermione said, trying to mask Draco's voice.  
  
Harry opened one eye. "Hermione, Ron," he wheezed, "take good care of Hedwig. And see to it that Grandma takes her pills regularly."  
  
Ron and Hermione exchanged worried looks as they watched Harry being wheeled into the Emergency Room. The door swung shut and the light saying 'Emergency' went on. Hermione started chewing her fingernails and pacing the floor. Ron sat down on a nearby chair and rubbed his temples, frowning like Professor Snape when he looked into Neville's cauldron.  
  
"This is boring," Draco said. "Anyone for Old Maid?"  
  
Ron and Hermione glared at him. Draco put away his deck of cards, folded his arms and sulked.  
  
Suddenly, the door of the ER swung open. A doctor came out, took off his glasses and shook his head slowly.  
  
"Sorry, we have tried our best," he said with a despondent sigh. Then he walked away.  
  
"JESUM CRACKERS!!!!!" Ron screamed.  
  
"Aw, how sad," Draco said, "The boy who lived is now the boy who died. Sad, sad."  
  
Seconds after his made that statement, he collapsed onto the floor, writhing in pain. Ron stared daggers at him.  
  
"Serves you right, Malfoy! 'What goes round, comes round,' as the saying goes. C'mon, let's go, Hermione."  
  
"Step aside, Ron," Hermione snapped at him. "Can't you see Draco's in pain?"  
  
Ron was taken aback. What in the world was Hermione doing? Firstly, she showed no response to the fact that Harry was dead. Secondly, she just told him to step aside. What is up with that? Thirdly...she referred to Malfoy as 'Draco!'  
  
"Something is seriously wrong with you, Mione," Ron said, staring as she helped Malfoy up and escorted him into the Emergency Room. The door swung shut, blowing wind in Ron's face. Ron scowled.  
  
~*~  
  
"Please," Hermione said, whipping out her 3-in-one Potion, "You have to listen to me! This is really the cure for SARS! Honest!"  
  
The doctor's lip curled. "I don't think so, Missy. Nurse Helga, please show her the way out."  
  
"Certainly," replied Nurse Helga, grabbing Hermione's arms. Hermione struggled and tried not to spill the 3-in-one Potion at the same time.  
  
"Let go of me! Please, you have to believe me! Quick, give the patient this potion or he will die! And you wouldn't want that, would you?" Hermione asked the doctor.  
  
"That's precisely why I don't want to give him that grisly potion."  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "I give up." She snapped her fingers. "Fluffy!"  
  
The door swung open and Hagrid's three-headed dog thundered in, growling menacingly. All the medical staff fainted dead away, and Hermione seized the chance to pour the 3-in-one Potion down Draco's throat. Draco coughed violently. Then he stood up.  
  
"I'm cured!" he exclaimed, his legs kicking out in some sort of a quickstep.  
  
"HELL YEAH!!! I'm definitely going to pass my Potions with an 'O' this year!!!" Hermione exclaimed, punching the air.  
  
Draco blinked.  
  
"Um...I mean, how do you feel, now, Malfoy? Fine? A little queasy, perhaps?" Hermione had her clipboard out again.  
  
"Oh, I'm feeling fine, I guess," Draco drawled. Hermione scribbled furiously.  
  
Professors Snape, McGonagall, Sprout and Flitwick suddenly burst into the room. "GRANGER!!! What in the world do you think you're DOING?!?!?!" Snape demanded. "Do you know that by doing this, you're putting Draco's life in danger?"  
  
"Actually," Professor McGonagall said, "Malfoy seems fine to me. I mean, I don't think critically ill patients suffering from SARS can tap dance."  
  
Draco, upon realizing that he was still doing a quickstep, quickly stopped himself, clearing his throat.  
  
"Oh. WHAT?!?!?!" Snape jumped five feet into the air. "You mean...you mean...you mean...HUH?!?!?"  
  
"Yes," Hermione said triumphantly. "Indeed, I, the Great Honourable One, have found a cure for SARS and made the potion single-handedly! BWAHAHAHHURHAHA!!!!!!!!"  
  
Everyone stared at her.  
  
"Okay, okay, not really single-handedly. I enlisted the help of Harry and Ron..."  
  
"WHAT??? THOSE SQUEEBS???" Malfoy said in disgust. "What is in that potion you gave me anyway?"  
  
-----  
  
READ??? REVIEW!!!  
  
ALAMAK!!! ADOI!!! 22 reviews! Thank yew very much indeed, I say, thank yew very much indeed. The following thank you's are for the reviewers of the first three chapters...  
  
Feronia: Hey, thanks! I find it odd too! Actually this fic started out as an imaginary story my sister and I made up. So I had an idea and typed it all out on the computer.  
  
Pookie Monster: Thank you for reviewing every chappie! HA. Severus Acute Respiratory Syndrome.  
  
looneymoon: I'm glad you like this fic. Could you, by any chance, be a fan of Luna?  
  
Irish Pixie: Yeah, nothing seems to go right for Draco. I'll try to improve things for him a little. Okay maybe not - he's about to find out he drank Harry's toenails.  
  
poo Bah: Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Emily14: You know, at first I didn't really want to keep writing. Then I changed my mind. I think it's because of writer's block.  
  
777: Thank you very much!  
  
madness: ahahahaha...Luna's laughter is contagious...  
  
Athalia: Yes, I agree. It's strange. At least, the dream is. And Hagrid's poetry.  
  
The Llama in My Head: Heh. Ode to Lame Jokes.  
  
chickabiddy: Thanks..._  
  
c.g.: Actually I did get the idea from somewhere else...my sister. Incredibly, we started making up this story when we were in a car.  
  
Vanyaria Darkshadow: ThAnKs...yes, it's a very random fic.  
  
HotDog-Jo: Hope it wouldn't still be confusing when I get to the later chapters...anyway, thanks!  
  
SugarQuillGal: thank you! I leave cliffhangers at every chapter. Reminds me of a drama serial.  
  
bah: Glad you found it funny, even if Krum didn't. Everyone, meet bah, the sistah who contributed to the wacko fic!!!  
  
The Social Leper: thank yew very much!  
  
Bellatrix Black: Thanks for being the first person to review ^_^!!! Er...now I don't think it's very action packed. Ok, maybe slightly. I remember I changed it to Humor/Suspense, but it still doesn't strike to me as a suspenseful fic either...-_-;; 


	6. Pastel Pink is SO not your colour

Sorry I took such a long time to upload - almost a month! But that was because I thought no one was reviewing. *Hint hint*  
  
Ok, enough small talk. On with the story. Enjoy!  
  
*Takes bow*  
  
*Ends up hitting head on the floor*  
  
That's how grateful I am to my reviewers. You rock, people!!!  
  
Disclaimer: Cake is rat clock, mark my words. With the help of Alfalfa Sprouts, I can do unto another person like a fish. Those who need a translation, press the 'submit review' button and type AIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!  
  
-----  
  
"Stop Looking Out the Vindow, Drrrraco!"  
  
Chapter Six: Tom Felton's Trash  
  
"Uh...nothing much," Hermione said, shifting around uncomfortably. Then she frowned. "Where's Harry and Ron, anyway?"  
  
Ron came running into the room. "HARRY'S DEAD!!!"  
  
"Huh? Harry, dead?" McGonagall looked stunned. "I can't believe it! He was such a good student..."  
  
Flitwick gave a squeak and passed out in shock.  
  
Sprout burst into tears. "Oh, Harry! You were so young...so innocent..."  
  
"Aw, cut the crap, people," Draco said. "Who cares, anyhow? I mean, come on! He is always blowing his top at you guys and throwing his weight around, isn't he?"  
  
"Was," Ron corrected with a surly look on his face.  
  
"Whatever. But, as always, I am absolutely right. Harry didn't regard you guys as friends. He treated you like...like how I treat Crabbe and Goyle."  
  
"To be exact...he treated us like RUBBISH?" Hermione said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Worse," Draco said, shaking his head. "He treated you like HOUSE ELVES."  
  
"What's wrong with house elves?" Hermione demanded.  
  
Draco ignored her. "As I was saying, Harry did not regard you as friends. He's bad-tempered, arrogant, and an all-round pain in the rear. Also, his hair would have been fashionable, like, in the Sixties?"  
  
"Uh. Whatever. So, Potter's dead, huh?" Snape said, raising an oily eyebrow, the same way someone would ask, "So, Tom Felton's out with a new single, huh?"  
  
"Tom Felton? That rings a bell. Where did I hear that before?" Draco frowned, trying to recall and bearing an eerie resemblance to Goyle.  
  
"Who said anything about Tom Felton?" Snape asked.  
  
Ron was trembling violently and dabbing at his eyes with Hagrid's floral handkerchief. "I can't believe it. Harry's dead and all you guys can talk about is some guy called Tom Felton! Who is he, anyway? And WHAT new single? I bet it's trash," he said spitefully.  
  
"Exactly!" exclaimed Flitwick brightly. "The title of his new single is Trash! You know, Tom Felton's Trash? It's this totally awesome rap! It's got a beat I can't resist!"  
  
"Enough," Ron snarled. "I can't stand him already."  
  
"So," Snape interrupted. "Who's going to organize all the funeral stuff? You know, what kind of coffin, and what to put on Potter's grave, and all?" He had already picked up the phone and flipped through the Yellow Pages to where all the coffin shops were listed, his fingers poised and ready to punch in Ah Hock Coffin Company's phone number.  
  
"Uh...Snape, there's no need to get all worked up," McGonagall said.  
  
"Of course there's a need," Draco said. "After all, we're talking about James Potter's son here. James Potter, Professor Snape's ARCHENEMY, for crying out loud. Why shouldn't he be worked up?"  
  
"What kind of coffin do you want?" Snape prompted.  
  
"Well, what colours do they come in?" asked Hermione. "I like periwinkle blue, but I suppose Harry would like his coffin to be in a colour he likes, don't you think, Ron?"  
  
"That would not be advisable," Ron said darkly.  
  
"Why?" Hermione asked. Draco leaned forward, looking interested.  
  
"He told me not to tell anybody what his favourite colour is," Ron said. He blew his nose, ruining the lovely floral pattern on the handkerchief.  
  
"You mean, 'was'," Draco said gleefully.  
  
"So what is, um, was his favourite colour?" Sprout asked. "I read on the Internet that you can tell a person's personality from the colour he likes. Isn't that wonderful?"  
  
"No, and it's incredibly stupid of you to believe that. But then again, you WERE in Hufflepuff," Snape said, hurling cutting remarks as sharp as machetes. Sprout made a sudden movement as if she was dodging something.  
  
"Not amusing, Professor Sprout."  
  
"It's pink," Ron said, covering his face with his hands. "Pastel pink."  
  
"What's pink, Ron?" demanded Hermione. Then her expression changed gradually from puzzlement to shock. "You don't mean...that's Harry's favourite colour?"  
  
Everyone stopped talking and turned to stare at Ron. Ron sighed and nodded.  
  
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~*~  
  
"You are NOT ordering a coffin that is pastel pink for Harry," Hermione said, running to catch up with Ron. They were walking to Ah Hock's Coffin Company (AHCC). Everyone else had returned to Hogwarts and resumed with their classes. All the students must have thrown a party when the Professors weren't around to teach, thought Hermione. Either that, or they were busy making plans on murdering Prof. Binns.  
  
"Why not?" Ron said.  
  
"Well, for one thing, have you ever seen a pink coffin?"  
  
"Come to think of it," Ron frowned, "I haven't even seen a normal coffin."  
  
"Vell, now you can see one in my coffin shop," said a voice. Ron and Hermione jumped three feet into the air. It was Viktor Krum!  
  
"Oh, it's you, Viktor! Vat a surprise!" Hermione said. She always spoke like that when Viktor Krum was around, so that he wouldn't feel out of place.  
  
"Oh. Viktor, eh?" Ron said, narrowing his eyes until he looked like Voldemort with a nose. Hermione ignored him.  
  
"So, you've found a job at a coffin shop, then?" Hermione questioned.  
  
"Yes, I haff. Don't tell anyone, but actually..." Krum lowered his voice. "I'm a vampire."  
  
Hermione's eyes widened. "I never knew, Viktor! When did that happen? Did you get bitten?"  
  
"I vas born a vampire," Krum explained. "My father vas vone. But now I can manage just fine vith sheep's blood. Good thing I vork at a coffin shop, othervise I'll haff to steal a coffin."  
  
Ron, who wasn't let in on the conversation, said loudly, "Hermione, are we here to buy a coffin, or have a little get-together with your pen pal?"  
  
"Buy a coffin, of course. Viktor, I don't suppose your coffins come in colours, do they?"  
  
"Yes, of course they do. Do you vant Vomit Yellow or Dark Shit Green?"  
  
There was a moment of silence.  
  
"Look, Krum, I know you're thick, but what is possessing you to think that Harry Potter, a world-wide hero, would rest in peace with a coffin that is DARK SHIT GREEN?! He'll turn over in his grave!!!" Ron roared. His head suddenly burst into flames, thus the adjective 'fiery red hair'.  
  
"So I guess you vant Vomit Yellow, then?"  
  
"Never mind," Ron said, smacking his forehead, burning his hand in the process.  
  
"Um, Viktor, I think you'd better show us some normal-looking coffins, please," Hermione said. Krum nodded and strode briskly off. Ron and Hermione followed ("Do you find it hot in here, Ron? Joke." "Har de har, Hermione.")  
  
"These are de normal-looking coffins you vanted, Hermy-own-ninny," Krum said, gesturing the coffins laid out on the shelves. "They're made of high-quality marble, not some cheap wood."  
  
Suddenly, the lid of one of the coffins swung open and Oliver Wood stuck his head out. "Someone called me?"  
  
"No. Get back in there," snapped Krum. "He's cleaning the coffins," he explained to Ron and Hermione, having seen their stunned expressions.  
  
"Just how many people from Hogwarts are working here?" asked Ron.  
  
"Your twin brothers are vorking here part-time," Krum said. Two coffins opened up and the Weasley twins shouted "Yo!" at the same time. Ron's jaws dropped.  
  
"Do you have any other coffins other than these?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Vhy, of course I do!" He strode off, and Ron and Hermione followed. He walked all the way to the extreme left of the shelves and stopped in front of a coffin covered in a velvet cloth.  
  
"This," Krum said, his eyes shining, "is the owner of this shop's most prized possession." He took a deep breath and pulled away the velvet cloth.  
  
Ron and Hermione stared at the coffin before them. It was completely white with lightning bolts not unlike Harry's scar engraved on the sides.  
  
"It looks as if it was made for Harry," Hermione whispered, lifting the lid off. The inside was made of blue velvet.  
  
"It's perfect," Ron said. "But it's missing something." He reached into the pocket of his hand-me-down robes and took out his wand.  
  
"Accio Firebolt!"  
  
There was a loud crashing sound and Harry's Firebolt came flying through the air. Ron caught it swiftly. "If anything's going to Heaven with Harry, it's his Firebolt," Ron declared.  
  
Hermione sniffed and dabbed at her eyes. "Yes, though I still think Quidditch is exceedingly senseless."  
  
"Excuse me," Krum cut in, "that vill be two hundred dollars, please."  
  
"Huh? For what?" snapped Ron.  
  
"Your Firebolt has ruined the front door," Krum said, pointing. There was a large hole in the door where the Firebolt had crashed through.  
  
"Uh...voops."  
  
~*~ 


	7. The Melodrama of Malfoy

"Stop Looking Out the Vindow, Drrrraco!"  
  
Chapter Seven: The Melodrama of Malfoy  
  
It was exactly midnight. The wind was howling, and bats were fluttering across the full moon. Leaves rustled as they blew across the ground.  
  
Draco scaled the rusty gates of the cemetery. He leapt to the ground. Armed with a flashlight, he scanned the place. Where was it? He thought. It has got to be somewhere...  
  
Then he found it. HARRY POTTER, the grave read. THE BOY WHO LIVED. What a corny thing to put on a gravestone, thought Draco. No doubt it was Weasley's idea; only he would think of such a ridiculous thing. He got to work immediately, setting down his large bag full of equipment. He got his shovel out and bent over the grave, digging.  
  
It did not take long. Draco put the shovel down and stared at the white marble coffin before him. It was still in good condition - at least there weren't any spider webs yet. There was no need for him to take out his vacuum cleaner.  
  
Gingerly, he put on his rubber gloves and opened the coffin. There was no sign of Potter. All Draco could see was a solitary Firebolt lying within the coffin, a huge contrast with the blue velvet.  
  
~*~  
  
Draco woke with a start. Only one thing was running through his mind:  
  
Potter was still alive.  
  
Damn!  
  
~*~  
  
"Harry's still alive???" Ron and Hermione stared open-mouthed at Draco. He had told them to meet him at the library, since one of them was practically camping out there.  
  
Draco sighed. "Yes. I dreamed I was digging up his coffin and when I opened it, only his Firebolt was lying there. Now, if that doesn't mean he's still alive, I don't know what it's supposed to mean."  
  
"You must be kidding! The Healers said he wasn't breathing anymore!" Ron protested.  
  
"Why should I be kidding? This isn't even funny. Do you think I like being seen with Gryffindors?" Draco's eyes darted around. Some Slytherins who were walking past sniggered behind their hands.  
  
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Oh, so you find it disgraceful to be seen with us, do you? Well, we don't exactly like hanging around rodents either."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Draco demanded, standing up.  
  
"Such melodrama, Malfoy. You should be on stage."  
  
Draco sat down. "Look, do you want to save your precious Potter or not?"  
  
"Save him? How do we do that? He's in the mortuary right now. If he were alive, he would freeze to death anyway." Ron looked proud of his so- called ample amount of knowledge.  
  
"I thought dreams were supposed to be the opposite of reality," Hermione said doubtfully.  
  
"No," Draco said.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I dreamt of you, Granger."  
  
"Really? I'm flattered."  
  
"It was a nightmare."  
  
"That's less than heartwarming."  
  
"What does having a nightmare about Hermione have anything to do with saving Harry?" Ron cut in.  
  
"A lot," Draco answered. "You see, in my nightmare, I was being...kidnapped...by...Vik...tor...Krum...forget it. Just watch the VCR."  
  
Madam Pince came walking towards them with a huge plasma-screen TV. She turned it on and left Draco, Ron and Hermione staring at Draco's dream...  
  
~*~  
  
"Twitchy little ferret, aren't you?" sneered Hermione in the VCR. VCR Draco flinched as if she hit him.  
  
"Get lost, Mudblood! You have no right to appear in my dreams, even if it is supposed to be a nightmare that I've met you. Clear off!" Draco snarled. The real Hermione scowled.  
  
"Manners, Malfoy, manners!" VCR Hermione chided. "You wouldn't want to upset your father, now, would you?"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Malfoy, shut up! Vat are you doing here, Hermy-own-ninny? I'm kidnapping that Malfoy. You're not involved in this!" Krum said.  
  
"Well, I'm here to stop you from kidnapping Malfoy!" Hermione retorted. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Viktor."  
  
"Attagirl, Granger! Show him who's boss!" Draco exclaimed. Then he realised his grave mistake. "AACK! I cheered for a Mudblood! AACK!!!" The real Hermione rolled her eyes, muttering something about ignorant purebloods.  
  
~*~  
  
The real Hermione frowned at Draco. "So, how does this prove that dreams are not the opposite of reality?"  
  
Draco started breathing in and out. "I will be civil. I will be civil. I think I can. I think I can..."  
  
"Um," Hermione said. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Don't interrupt me!" snapped Draco. "Okay. You DO remember that you have done me a civil act before?"  
  
"Of course," Hermione said. "I cured you of SARS."  
  
"Exactly," said Draco. "And you DO remember that in the dream, you were also doing a civil act by stopping Krum from so-called kidnapping me?"  
  
"What is this, civics and moral education? Give me a break," Ron interrupted.  
  
"I get it," Hermione said, ignoring him. "So dreams are actually the opposite of the opposite of reality, i.e. reality?"  
  
"But of course. Wasn't that what I had been trying to tell you but you refused to believe me?"  
  
"So," Ron cut in (again), "if the dream is "the opposite of the opposite of reality, i.e. reality", then...WE HAVE TO SAVE HARRY!!!" He stood up for a more dramatic effect.  
  
"What do you mean, 'we'?" Draco asked.  
  
"Okay, then I HAVE TO SAVE HARRY!!!"  
  
"I'm coming with you!!!" Hermione declared, standing up as well.  
  
Draco stared at them as if they were insane. Ron and Hermione gave him looks that would make Voldemort cower in fear. Draco sighed, standing up with as much enthusiasm as a sea slug.  
  
"I'm coming with you."  
  
"On Harry's behalf, I'll actually be civil to you for once," said Hermione, extending a hand. "...Draco."  
  
"You pronounced it wrongly. It's Draco, not Drrrrraco, Granger. I mean, Her..." Draco paused. And frowned. And realised...he did not know how to pronounce Granger's name.  
  
"Go on. Say it!" Hermione said. "Why? Is it too overwhelming for you?"  
  
"Her...Her...HER HER!!!" Draco pretended to cough. Hermione raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Are you off your rocker, Mione? No way am I going to call this idiot anything other than 'that foul, evil git'!"  
  
"You're wondrously imaginative with your insults...Ronald."  
  
Ron turned blue in the face. "Don't call me that!!! It makes me sound like some sort of mascot for a fast food restaurant."  
  
"Are we going to save Harry, or are we going to sit here and argue all day?" Hermione looked sharply from Ron to Draco.  
  
"WAIT!!!" A loud, gruff voice rang out. Hagrid came thundering towards them. "I'm joinin' yeh guys, if yeh don' mind."  
  
"Why, of course! How could we have forgotten Hagrid?" Ron stood on a chair and gave him a high five.  
  
Draco rolled his eyes. "Him? He'll wake the dead with his thunderous footsteps."  
  
"Wha' did yeh say????"  
  
"Oh...nothing."  
  
~*~  
  
Harry found himself face to face with a surly-looking Sirius Black with hair that looked like a lion's mane. Sirius was sitting behind a counter in front of some rusty gates that was probably supposed to be shiny and gold. He was dressed in robes of pure white and a bronze halo was suspended above his terrifying head.  
  
"Harry!" Sirius stared at him, stunned. "What are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you until, like, seventy years from now!"  
  
"Where am I? I can't remember anything. I just remember a pain searing in my scar..."  
  
"It's that You-Know-Who again," Sirius said darkly, clenching his fists.  
  
"Anyway, why are you sitting out here?" Harry asked.  
  
"This," Sirius said, "is the Pearly Gates, and I was put in charge of guarding it. Can't just let anyone enter, you know."  
  
"I always thought halos were gold," mused Harry.  
  
"Well, I guess they thought I didn't do enough good deeds to deserve anything other than a dirty, bronze one. Anyway, I'll just check your deeds before letting you pass." He started thumbing through an old and tattered book labeled 'Name List'. "Let's see...Parkinson, Pansy...Peterson, Peter..."  
  
"Wait a minute...Parkinson's dead as well?"  
  
"Ate an electric eel," Sirius said promptly.  
  
"O...kay," Harry said.  
  
"...Potter, Lily..." Sirius trailed off. He frowned. "Gee, that's funny. Your name isn't in here. There's obviously some kind of mistake somewhere." He looked up at Harry, who was clinging on to his every word.  
  
"I think," Sirius said slowly, "that you weren't meant to come up here. You were supposed to make a miraculous recovery. But somehow the gods got mixed up with you and some person called...Harriet Potter."  
  
"WHAT???" Harry spluttered. "So what am I supposed to do now?"  
  
"Don't panic," Sirius said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a very old-fashioned hand phone.  
  
"Eeee," Harry said in disgust. "Who has that kind of phone nowadays?"  
  
"Shut it. It isn't mine. It belongs to this old guy, St. Pietro or something like that." Sirius punched in a number and waited, listening. "'Lo? James? It's Sirius here. You know that scarhead you sorted to Heaven? It's a mistake. He's not supposed to be dead. Can you bring him back down to Earth? Thanks."  
  
"James? My father?" Harry gasped.  
  
"James Potter? Naw, he went down to Hell. I told him not to put so many hexes on that Snivellus, but did he listen? No, you might not be too surprised to learn, he did NOT. And look what happened."  
  
"Aw, man," Harry said, disappointed. "I heard he was this really cool dude that could defeat anyone at wizard's chess with only three moves."  
  
"What? You guys are still crazy over wizard's chess? I thought that was only in my school days."  
  
"That's because wizard's chess and Quidditch are the only forms of entertainment in the entire wizarding world, as far as I'm concerned. And books, but who likes reading other than Hermione?"  
  
Just then, a man with a beard that touched the ground came speeding towards them on a shocking pink motorbike. He had wings that made him look like a snowy owl. "So you're Harry Potter? Follow me," he said gruffly.  
  
"Bye Sirius," Harry said. "See you seventy years later." With that, he climbed onto the motorbike and was off.  
  
~*~  
  
Meanwhile, the unlikely foursome filed into St. Mungo's Hospital. "Why do I seem to visit this place a lot these days?" Draco mused to no one in particular.  
  
"Someone has to ask the nurse for permission to see Harry in the mortuary," Hermione said, putting on her bossiest voice. "Drrrraco, you go."  
  
"No, YOU go, Her...my...oh...nee," Draco said, slowly and deliberately.  
  
"Yeh go, Ron," Hagrid said.  
  
"No, you go, Hagrid," Ron said.  
  
"I won' fit," Hagrid grunted. "An' I'll scare the nurse, too."  
  
"In other words," Draco drawled, "You, half-blood oaf, are useless."  
  
"Then you go, if you're so great," Ron snapped.  
  
"I'LL go," Hermione sighed, approaching a nurse. "Excuse me, but could we visit the mortuary? We want to say our last goodbyes to our friend, Harry Potter."  
  
"I'm not sure," said the nurse. "Only family members of the deceased are allowed in there, you know."  
  
"But we're his very best friends! Right, Hagrid? Hermione?" Ron looked up at the half-giant.  
  
"Righ'," Hagrid said unconvincingly. Hermione just nodded enthusiastically.  
  
"And what about him?" demanded the nurse, pointing to Draco.  
  
"Oh, he's Harry's third cousin twice removed," Hermione lied without batting an eyelid. "Right, Drrrraco?"  
  
Draco grunted.  
  
"Well, if you say so," the nurse said. "This way."  
  
~*~  
  
"So, when you bring me back to Earth will I wake up in a hospital bed surrounded by friends?"  
  
James stared at Harry as if he was mad. "Heck no! Your body's in the mortuary right now; you'll wake up in a freezer!"  
  
"What?!?! Won't I freeze to death?" Harry yelled.  
  
"Well, according to this ultra-high-tech Marauder's Map, there are a few people entering the mortuary right now. If you are lucky, they might be rescuing you."  
  
"Yeah, right," Harry said bitterly. "O Heaven is blind! I'll die a wrongful death! Lord have mercy! I might as well commit suicide now!" He stood up, preparing to jump off the motorcycle.  
  
"Look," James snapped. "Would you rather jump off now and have zero chance of living again, or go back to Earth and risk everything?"  
  
Harry sat down. "I'm a hero. Of course I'd risk everything. And if I die a wrongful death, I have only one thing to say to that...BRING IT ON!!!!!"  
  
~*~  
  
Hermione, Ron, Draco and Hagrid entered the mortuary. "It's freezing," muttered Draco, putting on the Eskimo costume he wore on Racial Harmony Day.  
  
"It's sweltering," said a voice. A very familiar voice, thought Draco. Suddenly, one of the many drawers opened and Viktor Krum popped out.  
  
"EEEEEURRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!" Draco screamed.  
  
"Hi, Herm-own-ninny. How's eet going?" Krum said, narrowing his eyes at Draco.  
  
"YOU!!! It's you!!! You, who disrupts my sleep every night! Why I oughtta..." Draco rolled up his woolly sleeves. "Take that!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He punched Krum squarely in the nose.  
  
"DRACO! What was that for???" demanded Hermione.  
  
"Just a score to settle with this idiot," Draco said in disgust.  
  
"Owowowowowowowowowow," Krum moaned, writhing in pain.  
  
"Look," Ron said. "Aren't we supposed to be looking for Harry?!"  
  
"Oh, yeah."  
  
"I foun' him!" Hagrid cried in triumph. He stabbed a finger at drawer ABC. A pale and ashen Harry lay in there, not moving.  
  
"Harry!" Hermione ran over to where Hagrid was and stared in shock at the body that lay in the drawer. "He's...he's not breathing," she whispered.  
  
"Step aside, step aside. I ahm a martial artist," Krum said, now using Hagrid's handkerchief to stop his nose from bleeding. He started doing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.  
  
"Excuse me, but ew," Draco winced. Everyone ignored him. Hermione clasped her hands together and started to muttering.  
  
"Stop tha'," Hagrid said. "Yeh doin' my head in."  
  
Just then, Harry started coughing. "Where am I?" he murmured. "Oh yeah - in the mortuary. James told me."  
  
"YOUR FATHER???" gasped Ron.  
  
"No, a different James."  
  
Ron, Hagrid and Hermione exchanged worried glances as if they were playing Pass the Parcel. "Is he delirious?" Hermione whispered.  
  
"I don' know, bu' I think he's passed ou'."  
  
"Okay," Draco interrupted. "We've rescued your precious Potter. Show's over - I'm leaving." He walked away.  
  
Suddenly, the door of the mortuary swung open and Lucius Malfoy swept in, his black robes billowing behind him. He stood and stared frostily down his long nose at everyone. How he managed to look down at Hagrid was a mystery to even Lucius himself.  
  
"Father!" Draco exclaimed, turning paler than ever.  
  
"Draco, I am utterly disappointed with you. You...you actually rescued our enemy! This is Harry Potter, the enemy of the Dark Lord and all the Death Eaters! Don't you see? You have betrayed us. You are no longer my son. From now on, you are known not as Draco Malfoy but Draco the Idiot. I am disgraced." Lucius swept from the room.  
  
There was silence.  
  
"Is this some kind of joke?" Draco said in disbelief.  
  
"Draco the Idiot?!?!?!" Ron spluttered with laughter.  
  
"Guys, guys," Hermione cut in, "time out. Didn't your father's words penetrate into your thick skull, Drrraco? He's severing all ties with you. Oughtn't you feel at least a little...sad? Regretful? A sinking feeling at the bottom of your shattered heart?"  
  
Hagrid cleared his throat, putting on glasses that could have belonged to Professor Trelawney. "Well, technically, you can't really feel a sinking feeling at the bottom of your shattered heart, because since your heart has already shattered, it isn't a whole thing anymore, so..." He trailed off as he noticed everyone's stares on him. "What's the matter? Never seen a half-giant talk properly before?" he said, looking slightly annoyed.  
  
Everyone shook their heads.  
  
"Forge' i'," Hagrid said, sighing and removing his massive glasses. "I'll jus' stick tuh bein' the thick one. Nobody cares abou' poor ol' 'Agrid." Then he sat down at a table and began slowly enjoying a gigantic bowl of ice kachang, i.e. minding his own business.  
  
"Honestly speaking," Draco said, still casting wary looks in Hagrid's direction, "I think I'm better off without Father...I mean, EX-father. He's always kicking the house-elves around."  
  
"You mean you share my compassion towards house-elves?" Hermione asked enthusiastically.  
  
"No, I mean he's always kicking them to ME," Draco sniffed. "They STINK."  
  
Hermione blinked, then sighed and replaced her whole basketful of S.P.E.W. badges.  
  
~*~  
  
Harry spent the next three months in the hospital wing. However -  
  
"He seems to be getting from bad to worse," Madam Pomfrey declared.  
  
Ron and Hermione leant forward on their chairs, looking concerned. Hermione was holding a large thermos flask of porridge and Ron was in the process of stuffing a spoon of the scalding hot porridge down Harry's throat. Harry didn't budge.  
  
"You see," Madam P. continued, "He seems to have lost his memory and now he thinks he's a light bulb."  
  
Ron looked back at Harry, only to discover he wasn't sitting in bed but hanging from the ceiling with one arm. "How did he do that?" he said, half in shock and half in admiration.  
  
"This is serious," Hermione said, pacing the floor. "Really serious. Please, Madam Pomfrey, tell Harry he isn't a light bulb."  
  
"What, and work in the dark?" Madam P. started laughing heartily, looking expectantly at Ron and Hermione. When neither of them gave guffaws of hysterical laughter, she cleared her throat and muttered, "Joke."  
  
"No, we don't happen to find that uproariously amusing," Hermione said in a voice that could keep milk fresh for a month. "Oh, Ron, what are we going to do? Harry will never be the same again!" she shrieked, grabbing Ron's shoulders and shaking him back and forth. Then she let go and threw herself onto the empty bed and started sobbing, her shoulders heaving.  
  
"Hey, don't lose it, Hermione, there's still hope," Ron said, looking at the script. "It says here that we'll get help from the most unexpected person..."  
  
"We already got help from Malfoy!" Hermione pointed out.  
  
"MALFOY?!?!? Why MALFOY? Why is it always MALFOY? Can't the 'most unexpected person' be someone like...like Susan Bones or something? I mean, if you already know this unexpected person is Malfoy then what's the point in saying that he's the 'most unexpected person'???"  
  
"Er..." Hermione said as Ron started gulping down some of Hagrid's ice kachang to cool down, "who's Susan Bones? And Hagrid, why are you here? Is that the same ice kachang you were wolfing down three months ago?"  
  
Hagrid looked up. "No, it isn't, because OBVIOUSLY if I was still eating the same ice kachang it wouldn't still be called ice kachang it would be called kachang and why are you guys staring at me like that?"  
  
"Hagrid, you look hideous in those glasses. Destroy them," Hermione said.  
  
"They cos' a bomb, summat!" The old Hagrid said, looking sulky.  
  
"Anyway, Ron, if this 'most unexpected person' isn't Malfoy, then who is it?" Hermione asked.  
  
"It's..." Ron's mouth dropped open in shock as he referred to the script.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...(duh) 


	8. Now, the fun part!

Ok, readers, now it's YOUR turn! Make a guess...who is it? (Refer to 'cliffhanger' on previous chapter.)  
  
Choose from list below:  
  
Unexpected person no. 1: Neville Longbottom  
  
Unexpected person no. 2: Colin Creevey  
  
Unexpected person no. 3: Luna Lovegood  
  
Unexpected person no. 4: Kreacher  
  
Unexpected person no. 5: Dobby  
  
Unexpected person no. 6: Argus Filch  
  
Unexpected person no. 7: Gregory Goyle

Others


End file.
